So having been in relationships for nearly 30 years, i have learned a few things. I am going to share with you a very well kept secret that no one ever told me until i entered therapy, largely for , relationship problems. The secret: It is OKAY to ask for and get what you need. In my years of being in unhealthy relationships, I noticed that I was very good at noticing that i felt uncomfortable or even angry sometimes in a relationship. What i wasn’t good at was communicating to my partner(s) about why i was feeling uncomfortable or upset with the way the relationship was going. What i would do instead was to repress these feelings, which would ultimately led to me resenting my partner. In the end, i would keep building resentment towards my partner for these unmet needs, often creating distance between us. Couples therapists will tell you this is one of the most common problems in relationships. People often don’t realize that first, we all have needs and second, its okay to ask for what we need. Most people wait until their needs become a problem, a point of contention. This can lead to negative behaviors in both partners . Partners can begin to focus on the negative aspects in their partners behavior, and say things like, “you never take out the trash”, “ you always criticize me”, “you used to be affectionate with me, but you never are anymore.” This is a problem because it puts all the responsibility for the problems in the relationship on your partner.

Try using “I” statements instead of “you” statements, such as “I feel like I need more help with the trash”, or, “i feel hurt when you say those things”, or “ i feel like we used to be more affectionate than we are now, what can we do about that?” The conversation then becomes about you communicating your needs in a way that is constructive, and meant to resolve a problem in a relationship.

It is also important to note that using sweeping generalizations such as “ you always”, or “you never” can be damaging as well. Does anyone ever truly “always” or “never” do something?… this is an important point to consider prior to the conversation. Couples therapists will even go as far as to tell you to write down your needs and post them for each other in a place where our partner can see them as a source of a reminder. They say to be specific. It may look something like this: “I need you to help with the dishes three days a week”, “I need you to cuddle with me twice a day”, “I need to you to contribute financially to …”, “I need solitude for two hours on Saturdays”, “I need to go on a date with you once a week”, “I need (insert additional needs here).” Remember to be very specific, such as, if you need to feel more desired by your partner, use words to describe what feeling desired would mean to you.

One obstacle that many couples face is that they begin to think it is less valuable to have to tell their partner what they need, asking themselves, “why do i have to tell him to hug me?” or “She should just want to spend quality time with me.” Remember that every human is a complex web of their own personality, worries, struggles, wants, needs, and desires. So, yes it is necessary to communicate our needs to each other. If you have a partner that is willing to listen and respond to most of your needs, this is what a healthy relationship looks like! You will never have a healthy relationship if you and your partner do not learn to communicate and respond to needs. Also, note that our needs are fluid, and may change over time, or may arise suddenly. Telling your partner what you need is called “bidding”. Bidding is a term coined by the Gottman institute, by the way, a great place for resources. While your partner may not be able to respond to all of your bids, healthy partners will work to respond positively to many bids. This is all reciprocal, of course, and you will begin to see the harder you work to meet your partners needs, the bigger return you will receive.

Lastly, it is important to have a back up plan, and learn ways to meet many of your own needs in those instances when your partner isn’t available or cant respond to a particular bid at a particular time. This might look like asking a healthy friend for conversation, when you need conversation, or taking your solitude time later in the day if your partner’s need for closeness is in conflict with your need to be alone. It is very important for us to learn to get our needs met in healthy ways and from healthy people.