I want to talk about boundaries. The first time i am cognizant of hearing the word boundaries was the first time i left my first husband, back in 2004. At that time, some well meaning person presented me with a book. The title was , “Boundaries”.

I read the book a few times, but something wasn’t registering. I put the book away onto a shelf. The book came with me through several moves, a second separation from my first husband, followed by a divorce, followed by a marriage to another man, followed by yet, another divorce. All that time, for some reason, although i couldn’t understand that book, i couldn’t let go of it, either.

Maybe i wasn’t ready. Maybe i needed to go through some more things before i would become ready to understand about boundaries.

I hold that many of us never knew about boundaries because we were never taught. Our parents before us were never taught. In fact, my own children, now almost grown, were never taught boundaries either, until they were almost adults.

We finally talked about physical and emotional boundaries. i told them to think of a boundary as like a limit of what they will and will not allow. Physical boundaries could include such things as hitting, uninvited physical touch, standing too close etc. Emotional boundaries could be things like name calling, put-downs, silent treatment etc. I gave them some examples of my own boundaries, and asked them to think of their boundaries, so they could share them with me. I told them i want to respect their boundaries, going forward.

Boundaries can include many things. What is okay for one person may not be okay for another, and that, in itself is okay. What’s important is we know what our boundaries are, and are able to communicate them clearly to others, and fully realize that it is okay to take up for ourselves.
If you attempt to set a boundary with someone, and they do not respect it, it may be necessary to impose a consequence. For example, say your mate is giving you the silent treatment (passive aggressive behavior), you may have to say to your mate, “you know, it’s really not okay with me when you stop talking to me. I’d like us to communicate”. If your mate continues to give you the silent treatment, you could say, “if you continue to do this, I’m moving into the other bedroom, seeking a couples therapist, leaving etc. ” One important thing to remember is you must be prepared to follow through on the consequence or boundary setting can be very ineffective.

One other important thing to note is the necessity to draw an invisible line around your heart. You can think of it as a shield. You need a shield. This is important because there are going to be situations where we don’t have the same opportunities to set boundaries, i.e. someone flips us off in traffic. We must draw an invisible line around our heart so that the things that used to hurt us can’t penetrate that shield. One way i did it was making a conscious decision of whose voices i was going to allow in my life. Now, i only allow healthy voices in my life.

So draw a boundary around my heart and vow to protect it through the use of boundaries.