Ah, love. One of my favorite topics. I love love. As a couples therapist one thing i have noticed is that many people struggle with finding love or finding the right fit in a partner. Many are looking for love in the wrong places such as with anyone who can temporarily fill a void or even more fun, someone we can recreate childhood trauma with. I feel like this is at least in part due to a lack of self knowledge. Socrates said, “know thyself.” I feel like this is one of the most important maxims for dating.

One thing that i often suggest to my clients is to make a list of what they MUST have in a partner in order to be happy and what they absolutely will not tolerate in a relationship. I find that many of us humans tend to get addicted during what is known as “the romance stage” of the relationship. This is when all those happy chemicals and hormones flood our brains and bodies and we feel “so in love.” Research shows that the ‘romance” stage of dating typically does not last longer than two years and is usually much shorter so it is important that we find the right fit, someone we are compatible with, someone we respect, someone we can love and not just be “madly in love” with.

I also suggest clients complete a ready for a relationship test or assessment. These can be found easily on a website and help us figure out how well we know and love ourselves. It is important to do both when we embark on dating. When i assess for relationship readiness, here are some questions i generally ask clients:

• do you have a general vision for your life?
• do you know your core values?
• do you know which of these values your partner must share with you?
• do you have life goals and a plan to complete them?
• do you understand why past relationships did not work?
• do you understand your role in why past relationships didn’t work?
• are you aware you look for people like your parents?
• are the friendships and family relationships you keep healthy for you?
• do you bring up conflicts when they arise and deal with them in healthy ways?
• do you know your own needs and how to get them met in and out of the relationship?
• do you understand the law of attraction?
• do you work on your own mental health?
• do you have a plan on how to screen out potential unhealthy partners?

If most of these are false for you, you could stand to get to know yourself better before considering dating. This can be done through self work, therapy, reading, journaling etc. If most of these are true for you, then you are probably ready to date. Once in the dating world it will be important to look for red, green, and yellow flags. Green flags can include things like, the potential dating partner is curious or the potential dating partner shares with you how they work on themselves. Red flags can be things like the dating partner seems to blame everyone else for their problems in life. Yellow flags can be things like breaking plans.

Once you have weeded out anyone who may be unhealthy for you, it is time to get to know your selection better! Emotional intimacy is an important part of a relationship. Mike Kahn said “people can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves,” but what does this mean exactly? When i speak of emotional intimacy, it literally means “in to me see.” This means your partner allows you to see the nooks and crannies of your soul AND they are interested in seeing yours. This, you show me yours, i’ll show you mine concept of emotional intimacy is also known as “love maps.” Love maps is a term coined by John and Julie Gottman which means knowing your partner’s inner world. In order to show it to you, they must know it themselves. You and your partner should both be endeavoring to know your own and each others emotions and how to emote in healthy ways. This task requires mindfulness, reflection, and introspection. If your partner isn’t willing or able to do the aforementioned, that is another red flag.

Once you feel you know your partner on a really deep level, and they have gotten to know you as well, you may be ready to take the commitment further. However, only if you have followed the aforementioned steps can you be confident that you are not looking for love in the wrong places.